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Unresolved

Severing Ties or Severely Limiting Contact, Unresolved, Your Stories

I Left My Abusive Parents’ Home

August 16, 2012 • By

Hello Miss Undeserving, My name is Dawn L. and I wanted to thank you for this very nice blog.  The stories are sad, but they gave me some courage to write.  Really, I never thought about sharing my sad story until my friend told me about this blog.  I am 19 and I moved out of my mom and dad’s home 3 months ago.

Maltrato

They were so controlling and actually hitting me until the day I moved out.  I don’t know why they are just so mean, but I got so tired and moved in with a girl from school and her family.  I want to go to college and I will, but I had to get a job.  I was able to save and move into a nice apartment and now I am so happy to be free.

I am thinking about cutting my parents out of my life.  My older brother and sisters don’t even call them anymore or visit their home.  I tried to be peace maker but my parents are so religious to the point of abuse.   The last time my parents showed up here (unannounced) I did not answer the door.  I have not called them for 2 months and I feel guilty, but I don’t want to be hit for disagreeing or speaking my mind. I know I will not hit my children if I ever have any.

Thank you.


Forgiveness & Healing, Others' Stories, Unresolved

Do You Forgive A Family Member Who Has Done You Wrong Without An Apology?

August 7, 2012 • By
 From Answer Bag.com
Foregiveness

Do you forgive a family member who has done you  wrong

WITHOUT an apology? Why does family get away with doing

you wrong (repeatedly)?

Asker’s Pick

An apology is always  needed.  That is simply Dale Carnegie 101:  “Apologize and Mean It.”  If  anything, the apology should be for making the other person feel bad/ hurting  their feelings.  It should not be difficult to GENUINELY apologize to a loved  one for hurting their feelings.  Forgiveness is the result of the apology.  If  we just ran around and had to forgive every wrongdoing, then Elin Woods should  have no problems forgiving Tiger for his affairs.  Forgiveness is a solution to  an apology.  In a perfect world, we can all forgive and forget.  Period.   However, that isn’t always possible in interpersonal discourse.

Continue Reading (17 responses)


Severing Ties or Severely Limiting Contact, Unresolved

Don’t Play Favorites

August 2, 2012 • By

Older asian womanMy mom has always played favorites with me and my siblings.  I wish it were not so but it is what it is.  My older sister and brother could do n0 wrong.  Maybe because she was married to their father and I was a product of an affair mom had.   My father was married and when their relationship didn’t work out (he didn’t marry her) mom took out her frustration on me.

I was young, but I still remember being shut out and not being allowed to go places like my sibs and there was just no patience when dealing with me.  I grew up with a complex and insecure.  I still feel the sting of her insults and gave up on being ever treated like a human.

I know that I am the one they will call should my mother become ill because they will expect me to care for her.  Maybe if and when that time comes, I’ll be ready to help, but the way I feel now, I could not do it.  I am harboring too much bitterness in my heart.

I decided when I was younger saying that I would never treat my children the way my mom treated me.  It was not right and unfair.  My father was wrong in having the affair with mom, but he and his family (my other sibs) reached out to me recently.  They are the kindest people.  I wish I had grown up with this family.  For the sake of peace, I don’t bring up any childhood issues to them.  It is just nice to be loved and accepted for who you are.


Forgiveness & Healing, Unresolved, Your Stories

Between Mothers and Daughters

July 20, 2012 • By

Between Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and Daughters
Cross posted from The BWE Bloggersphere™ 
It’s difficult to say when the love/hate relationship began; but it appeared too soon for my liking. From the time I felt you shutter within me until the day we moved to the same city of your birth father, my love for you seemed flawless. Family Night Fridays, Girls-In-Action, and watching Louisiana cooking shows, life seemed so simple. Your silly laugh and awesome jokes made us gut-laugh. Who could have predicted our paths would come to such a crossroad of heightened emotions and estrangement.
I could sense a change in our relationship as adolescence morphed into teen years. You pressed for more freedom; and I held on tighter wanting to protect your innocence from the cruelty I knew awaiting fresh souls. The more I held on the more you pushed. The more I pushed, the more you resisted. That is symptomatic of the relationship between mothers and daughters.

Sitting in the family room watching Jerry Lewis movies and enjoying the sounds of laughter between a mother and daughter. The joy and carefree spirits of girls who didn’t have a worry in the world. However, as a mother I knew that time would soon pass; but for the moment, innocence belonged to us. Very few arguments, disagreements, or power struggles–just freedom to live a life without worry.

Now, our relationship has changed and in a way that is not becoming of a mother and daughter. Past maternal relationships did not provide answers to struggles of new motherhood. Motherhood was by default without plans. Each day was a struggle to figure out the correct direction to happiness. Many times the plans were horrendously wrong and recovery sluggishly slowed.

Sometimes falling upon unwilling ears with humming sounds, motherly advice drowned out. The smacking of lips and the rolling of eyes, youthful responses interpreted as defiance. Neither party willing to compromise–motherhood trumped the maturing of youth.

The tug of war between mothers and daughters can be exhausting,sometimes leaving bitterness and regret. Mothers have no time to be their daughters’ best friends when working hard to teach them how to survive in a cruel and unconcerned world. Friendship follows emotional and psychological maturity.

Mothers learn from their mothers or motherly figures. Some mothers never talked about their childhoods or their relationships with husbands or the fathers of their children. When daughters witness their mothers’ bitterness and disdain for life resulting in those mothers striking out at their children, an indelible emotional mark is left. For this reason, reminding daughters of their resemblance of their fathers leaves them recipients of frequent beatings. Nonetheless, some daughters will love their mothers because both need love.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There would be no lessons on love or how to properly vet men. Men showed up either unannounced or spontaneously interjected into children’s lives. Some were nice; but many were not. Affection wasn’t part of her personality—no hugging, kissing, lying of the head on her lap. Some mothers seem emotionally frozen. Children sensed something was amiss; but as children knowledge and understanding was limited. They could feel their mother’s internal darkness and pain and wanted to shoulder it, which would happen in due time. So, when some children become mothers they vow to be a more affectionate, caring, and tolerant. In the eyes of their daughters, it appears mothers have failed miserably.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sympathy isn’t on the menu. Investigating the causes of the rift between mothers and daughters is the key to this mystery. Watching other mothers and daughters getting along so well—close and seemingly best friends makes it much harder not to feel guilty. Why can those mothers and daughters love each other unconditionally when the love between some mothers and seem so cold and distant? Where did they go wrong? When did the spiral into disdain begin?

Mothers & Doughter

Most mothers desire the best for their daughters—to be more successful, beautiful, and married to awesome men. Most mothers pray fervently that their daughters will be blessed with excellent health, great and trustworthy friends, and long life. Most mothers would sacrifice their lives for their daughters to have the love of a man who would walk on hot coals or die in battle. If the sun and moon never shown again, most mothers would bear the pain of labor just to relive the placing of their newborn daughters upon their breasts. I am such a mother.

Mothers and Doughters

Sadness weighs heavy upon many mothers, especially when witnessing their daughter’s tragic relationships. It doesn’t matter how old a daughter gets she will remain her mother’s baby girl. When her daughter is hurt, the mother lion will seek and destroy whatever or whoever is the perpetrator. However, the more mothers fight for the right to love their daughters; there are some daughters who resist that protection at every turn. It is deemed meddling or an attempt to control their daughters’ lives. From a mother’s point of view, it is the deepest love we have and the costs we are willing to pay to ensure our daughters have a better life.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The journey into adulthood is never easy. Life can beat and abuse the strongest person. No motherly protection will make a difference when life has other plans for her daughters. Yet, the path on which mothers and daughters take can be taken either in tandem or in solo. It’s up to the attitude of the individuals whether they want to walk life alone or share the burdens.

Mother DoughterMother and daughter relationships can be repaired in time; but it’s a partnership. It only takes one to cross the line of reconciliation. Again, it’s a partnership. It’s okay to step back and heal one’s self. However, to allow too much time to pass increases the opportunity for the wedge to grow wider and deeper leaving the opportunity for years of lost love.

There is a rivalry between mothers and daughters; and many are in denial. Sometimes the daughter wants what the mother has and vice versa. This is normal. It’s only abnormal when this competition causes deep pain and suffering. It’s time to investigate and resolve issues hindering relationships between mothers and daughters.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Girls TakingIt’s a fickle thought how some daughters accept advice from another daughter’s mother; yet, complain about the advice of their own mother. All daughters experience this period of exploring the wisdom beyond their own mothers. Mothers offer wisdom to other daughters who are more receptive, praying secretly their daughters have overheard their advice. What a crazy game played between mothers and daughters. So difficult. So time consuming.

Many daughters cringe when people tell them how much they look like their mothers. Many daughters cringe when people tell them what a wonderful mother they have. Many daughters get irritated when told their mother is gorgeous. Many daughters profess to never want to be anything like their mothers. Unfortunately, the mirror reminds daughters their mother is within them no matter how hard they pray to look, talk, and walk differently. Mirrors never lie.

Someday some daughters will become mothers, too. The cycle will begin again with the lying of her baby upon her breast. Hopefully, through love and understanding the bond will remain beyond death.

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Read more from Clarissa BurtonQueen Of The Pen™


Severing Ties or Severely Limiting Contact, The Unthinkable, Unresolved, Your Stories

I Just Want My Babies

July 19, 2012 • By

Lonely womanMy name is Terrina Williams.  When I was 15, I became pregnant.  My mom was so angry when she found out at 4 weeks.  The father was a guy at school who was clueless about life.  His parents wanted me to get an abortion and be done with it.  My mother agreed with them and dragged me off to the clinic to have it done.  I begged her not to make me do it, but to no avail.  I went into that cold place with those cold people.  Nobody cared that I was crying.  I was told to get undressed and given a gown.  Mom turned on me and didn’t care that I was scared.  She just told me to take my lumps and pay for trying to ruin her life.  Ruin her life? I would not understand that comment until much later.  I endured a painful procedure and was told to get up and get dressed as if nothing had happened.  They had just killed my baby.

I couldn’t sleep and I had nightmares.  I could not talk to mom about anything which is why I went right back into the father’s arms.  In a few months, I was pregnant again.  I told my mom who proceeded to slap me near senseless.  I got a speech about how much she gave up to raise me alone and I was not doing this to her again.  I was dumbfounded and told my mom that she could not make me get another abortion.  She told me that I was getting one and that was all there was to it.  She made the appointment and I went quietly.  When we went inside the clinic this time, I cooperated until I saw the same cold doctor who killed my first baby.  I screamed and made such a scene that he ordered me out of the room and the clinic.  I was happy and relieved, but my mom had a plan for me.  Later that evening, my mom told me that I was going to stay with some people who could help me.  I didn’t know who, it didn’t make sense but I thought she had relented and accepted that I was going to have a baby.  I wanted my baby so I was happy to go anywhere.  I spent the next few months at home, but one day I had a plane ticket to Salt Lake City, Utah, waiting for me.  I had to leave school, pack some clothes and get on that plane.

(Continue reading in the book When Family Does You Wrong).


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